some days i feel like such a failure.
When i go to the store i am always always picking up the latest magazines with titles that tell weight loss stories or tips. Healthy recipes and truths. i buy them and read them cover to cover again and again. I love the success stories they are inspiring to me because i want to do it too. I still think and look at myself as 300 pounds. then i realize I'm now 195 and i think, shit. why couldn't i do it too? i tried and had success before. but only until i gave up. but why did i give up? Why did i not keep going? Why did it take me to have this surgery to get me where i am? and Why am i taking advantage of this? I have been at a platue since Christmas. No surprise since all we did at the holidays is eat eat eat. plus i did not exercise on bit over holiday.
I have been having intense pains in my abdomen. It tightens up and goes clear around my back.i thought maybe i blew a gasket. lol but i started to worry. the first time it happened it only lasted 15-20 min. then the next 1 1/2 hour. my body quivers like at any moment it will tense up and be in pain again. It left me feeling like i had the flu and my body just was wiped out and ache. Don't worry, i called the DR. they want me to come in on Tuesday. He put me on soft foods till then. Maybe its my gallbladder. ?????
It does scare me and freak me out. i start thinking, have i been taking all my vitamins? drinking enough water? taking in enough protein? exercise enough? when was the last time i pooped? should i start taking other supplements? what is going on inside my body? was this a mistake? ......
honestly i think these thoughts everyday. i worry about all these things. This surgery is and was suppose to save my life. help me be healthier and live longer to enjoy with my family. Not end it because of the surgery. Some days i feel like a failure because i chose to have the surgery instead of doing it myself. SOME DAYS.
I get criticized alot for it. though it may not be as much as i think. its prolly more in my head. i feel like people will always see me as fat gelena, because so far that's how i have always seen myself on the outside. people at jazzercise always come up to me and ask me if i am doing something extra at home to help with my weight loss. All i ever say is i try to make healthy choices and i walk along with going to jazzercise. That's what they want to hear. they need to hear. I don't want to say i had gastric bypass because i don't want to have them loose hope in themselves that they cant loose weight. Because they can! i did before and i still read in my magazines about people all the time.
unfortunately it will never be me.....
