words are just words...right?

a few days ago i woke up to a text message...or novel if you will, from J. In it he shared that he believes that i have a borderline personality disorder, I have mommy issues and that i am not mature enough to be a wife. there was alot more but these three things stick out the most. i thought of it all morning and found the text to be damaging and distructive. So I thought i would call my momma. Silly me. The conversation is what it is and i have nothing to write about that really. But I will note that she realayed a message that my sis is upset with me because her husband and herself did not get invited to an important event because of me. That news was very hurtful to me. I went back to work after my llunch break and coversation with my mom. Then my bestie sent me a text message. I can always tell when she is pissed, annoyed, or just blank about me because of her text messages. it said. i threw your cigs away because you prolly are not allowed here anymore. and then a couple more text in the same tone came at me after that. I got off work and stopped by a bday party of a newly aquired friend. and W. ex was there. She was sitting there informing me what a player he is and how so and so saw him driving some chicks car with her in it and they asked what happened to lena and he was all like oh i had to push the next button on that one. blah blah blah... I sat there and composed myself very well i thought and left there on good terms. asa soon as i got in my car the tears started rollin. what a day. my ex, my mom, my sister, my best friend, my bf.... whats next. .... all i know is i came home and told W all about my day and he first reacted to the part that involved him and called the bday party and told them i was not ever going to any event or visit at their house if those other people are there and if they wanted to start shit or say something then talk to him.... lol drama. and then for the rest of it. he said... It doesnt matter. its all just words. words are just words. not action. hmn....idk but i still thought it was a shitty day for my self esteem and self worth with the people in my life.

yawn....

LOL a year huh? wow it went by... slowly? lol I look back at where i was who i was and what mind set i was in a year ago and i can not even see a mirrored image of myself. Sure all my hobbies, hopes and dreams are the same. But lifestyle, relationship status and daily activities are complete opps. There is really no need to go into detail of everything because well, this is my blog and im the one writing it. And most likely the only one reading it. LOL but i thought i would maybe write on here off and on because Most days i feel alone. that i have no one to vent to or talk to. or maybe i do but just feel as though i am full of hot air and shouldn't bother so whatev. lol this blog is to break the ice i suppose....

nod if you can hear me...

i think i need to get away for a day or a few days. i need to rejuvenate myself. I think being surrounded by everyone is getting to me. Yesterday i started to break down because the house if messy. There are people in and out all day of the house. micky is working non stop on remodeling the house. Mom is puttering around doing this and that all day. Colt and clara have been here everyday since mom and micky pulled in. There is stuff everywhere. Like stuff. not trash, its not dirty. just stuff from mom and micky moving back here from north Carolina.
Whenever they come home i have the house all ready for them to come in and either relax or get started on whatever project they need to do. I don't have it messy or have them worry about cleaning up when they get here. They are usually here only for the weekend. After they leave then i spend some good time on getting everything back to where i had it before they were here. But they will be here for 2-4 weeks. I always feel like i am in the way first of all. They run around and are so busy that most of the times i don't know whats up and whats down. So i usually just sleep, watch tv, or sit there. oh because i feel like i cant really leave because my mom is only here for a short time and i don't want to miss visiting with her i guess.
Also the biggest thing is i feel like i am being judged. seriously. and it may be crazy but its true. even yesterday my mom said to me that micky told her that she does everything in the house. It really upset me and i took it personal because that means to me that i do nothing. which, as stated i don't do much when they are here. BUT i do things all the time. ......i think this is actually alot more in depth than for this silly blog.
I struggle at times being an at home mom. because i dont make any money, i dont have to get up and go to a job. Its a job that no one appreciates or understands unless you di it yourself.Let me share what i do. I first and foremost have to follow Logans life schedule. (ie:morning routine of getting up and going to school, pick up after school, take him to church on wed and soccer on mon, have events and projects for him lined up for learning and life experiences.ect) then i have jasons schedule (in texas not here right now...so i wont get into his, but it fills up alot of my day.) because I have 3 meals a day that i make sure my family has. and i try my best not to rely on processed, frozen, or take out. obvious next is housework. i try and not do the minimum either. i have formed a weekly habit of deep cleaning once a week and trying to install these lifestyles in logan. (on saturdays he mops the bathroom and kitchen and vacuums all rooms.) I craft. let me say this again....I CRAFT. and when i say i craft i mean scrapbooking, decorations, party planning, baking, cooking, and gift making. I do these things because this is who i am, i enjoy doing them, people enjoy receiving them, it keeps me sain, and it is my stress release. Yesterday i made a ribbon christmas wreath. with the most beautiful glittered cupcakes on it ever. i may post a photo later. The day before I made cookies left over from logans halloween candy bars. they were delish and everyone enjoyed them. My next project is a couple of purple tie scarves for gifts. :)
The past few months i have been going through phases on my workouts. i only have been walking since moving to iowa, so i cant say that my workouts are really filling up my daily life. but while im watching the pounds creep back on and filling in for the winter....i may have to go back to my workout life again. Me working out is important to not only myself, but i feel also for my family. To set good health example for logan and to prolong life and health with my husband. I think the last thing that really stands out that I do as a "job" is my army volunteer work. Alot of my family does not understand the position I have in jasons company. I am a KEY person in the whole company. Maybe not to the soldiers, because they have their chain of command to refer to. BUT to the families. To the families of our company i am their chain of command. at least 3-5 days a week i am doing army stuff. and ill just refer it as stuff since there is alot that i do.
so there. my job duties as a house/army wife/mom is as follows: cooking, cleaning, army tasks, taking care of husband and child, and most of all myself.
Over the past few months iowa friends and family have made comments abouthow i live my life and on my life stlyes. these comments have been hurtful and alarming. This is who i am now. This is who i enjoy and strive to be. I do not go into your homes and question your character or lifestyle so:

If you are not and stay at home army wife you dont understand. so shut the hell up.

i should wash your mouth out with soap!

SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! seriously the new forcast predicted snow for today. it is only the 2nd of november people!!! dang, i need to go back to texas. LOL logan on the other hand wants mountians and mountians of snow so he can play and sled till sunset. lol which reminds me i better find him a good sleigh to use. otherwise we may have to redneck it n slide down on trash bags. (and i know this because i have done this lol)
It was raining when i took logan to school this morning. and has been all day. I came home and went back to bed. and slept till 11:30. I dont really do well on these gloomy rainy days. I just want to stay in sweats all day and watch movies. sounds nice huh?!? now if college springs only had delivery. lol i would be set. ah ha. i guess there is always ramen noodles to comfort me on the couch.
Oh yes, my scentsy party was a sucess! i had over 500 dollars in sales. which means my benifits from the party were awesome. 82 bucs in free stuff and 3 half price items. i got alot of stuff for only a total of 55 bucs! Leslie is having a party this saturday. so since she booked her party off me i can go to hers and get a half price item there. LOL so my plan was when i decided to have this party was to use my benifits as christmas gifts this year. but i ended up getting everything for myself. lol
I did get jason a pink pig. it will smell yummy in his tent in afghanistan. LOL i told him about it. he said well send it on out! i need to sleep with my hog! lol i thought it was kinda funny.
speaking of hog, that reminds me of poppy. hog-dog...they ryme. lol i must now go let him out into the rain to go potty. and that is all for now. :)

GTL

so im sure everyone that keeps up with reality knows that GTL means Gym,Tan, Laundry. So i like to try and do these three things everyday in some form or another. Today as far as the gym part goes....well i had planned to work out. but it didnt work out. lol I did walk logan to school today. i am trying to get that in as much as i can before it really gets too cold to walk down and back. And since i have not gone to the actual gym or jazzercise or whatever. the walking is all i have been doing lately. I dont think it is going to cut it though, especially with all the halloween candy that just came into our lives last night! lol
now on to tanning. I have been tanning at a local salon. And it is a dump. straight up dump. i hate going there. everything is old, outdated, messy, and dirty. Now... the ladies that work in there are nice enough...notice i say enough which means its really not a welcoming place. I have already bought a package of tans and now i may just give them to clara. she goes there alot. So today i tried a spray tan. We shall see how it looks and lasts. If this ends up being a good thing i may just start doing the spray tans. Plus the best part is that i can get this tan done at my favorite place in town, Uptown Styles, with the ladies i really enjoy! I am so glad i have started going to this place. Going to uptown styles twice a month for whatever has kept me feeling like i have a hold of my life in texas a little bit. Wow that seems a bit deep, and it is....which means i may blog about it at a later date.
And now last the laundry. This is more of a bitch than a blog on this section. I dont mind laundry. I usually do laundry 1-2 times a week or if needed more for messes. I have been married 10 years. out of the house 10 years...i know what the hell im doing as far as laundry and house work. I dont like being told when to do housework or how. I am now living in my mothers house. I am trying to keep it kept up and clean while here. We all know im not the best housekeeper in the world, but i get by. so here is the annoying thing i knew would happen...i have just been waiting for it. And i knew it would happen because growing up my parents would leave me a list of house chores to do or if you were watching tv they would drop a load of laundry in front of you and walk away.....SO yes, that happend this morning. I did 4 loads of laundry yesterday to catch up. I am in on the computer doing my army stuff and my mom says can you fold this laundry so i can do...whatever she said and then i hear the full basket drop in the living room. Really? really? lol so i try to finish my army stuff up real quick and i go out there and she is already folding it. All of it.
Whew i got that out, now i must finish up this blog..because housework awaits and i have laundry to put away........

its not you.... its me... sorry blog ive been gone.

Ya know with all the hustle and bustle in the past 6 months you would think i would have time to blog a bit. But then again maybe ive just said it all to my therapist. lol Now living or staying rather in iowa, with no therapist, in a town where the population i think is under 500. It is quiet here. most of the neighbors do not talk to me. they wave though. Oh and the kids on this street come over often. so maybe its not soooo quiet as it is kinda rural. lol
I have been really busy since being here. but it is kinda like a hurry up and wait. like logan and i hurry to school, hurry home, hurry to town visit people or go places. but its all relaxing at the same time.
Tonight i am having a scentsy party. i am super excited. I made halloween cupcakes and boo berry treats and puppy chow. I dont know who all is showing up but im excited. I know rae jean and leslie are coming. lol

*sigh*

some days i feel like such a failure.
When i go to the store i am always always picking up the latest magazines with titles that tell weight loss stories or tips. Healthy recipes and truths. i buy them and read them cover to cover again and again. I love the success stories they are inspiring to me because i want to do it too. I still think and look at myself as 300 pounds. then i realize I'm now 195 and i think, shit. why couldn't i do it too? i tried and had success before. but only until i gave up. but why did i give up? Why did i not keep going? Why did it take me to have this surgery to get me where i am? and Why am i taking advantage of this? I have been at a platue since Christmas. No surprise since all we did at the holidays is eat eat eat. plus i did not exercise on bit over holiday.
I have been having intense pains in my abdomen. It tightens up and goes clear around my back.i thought maybe i blew a gasket. lol but i started to worry. the first time it happened it only lasted 15-20 min. then the next 1 1/2 hour. my body quivers like at any moment it will tense up and be in pain again. It left me feeling like i had the flu and my body just was wiped out and ache. Don't worry, i called the DR. they want me to come in on Tuesday. He put me on soft foods till then. Maybe its my gallbladder. ?????
It does scare me and freak me out. i start thinking, have i been taking all my vitamins? drinking enough water? taking in enough protein? exercise enough? when was the last time i pooped? should i start taking other supplements? what is going on inside my body? was this a mistake? ......
honestly i think these thoughts everyday. i worry about all these things. This surgery is and was suppose to save my life. help me be healthier and live longer to enjoy with my family. Not end it because of the surgery. Some days i feel like a failure because i chose to have the surgery instead of doing it myself. SOME DAYS.
I get criticized alot for it. though it may not be as much as i think. its prolly more in my head. i feel like people will always see me as fat gelena, because so far that's how i have always seen myself on the outside. people at jazzercise always come up to me and ask me if i am doing something extra at home to help with my weight loss. All i ever say is i try to make healthy choices and i walk along with going to jazzercise. That's what they want to hear. they need to hear. I don't want to say i had gastric bypass because i don't want to have them loose hope in themselves that they cant loose weight. Because they can! i did before and i still read in my magazines about people all the time.
unfortunately it will never be me.....