308 is the perfect weight.....

lol, that saying is funny to Jason and i. because in a movie (girl interrupted) a girl was on the floor repeating 78 is the perfect weight. (or whatever number she says.) So i, being a fat n sassy gal, started saying 308 is the perfect weight. and we would laugh. But i didn't know that i would actually get up to that weight. i have kept myself around 265 the last 9 years. And that's me. Always the biggest one in my whole family, friends, class, work...etc. and if i wasn't the biggest i am pretty damn close. I've always had a real good attitude about life and myself outside of the bedroom. Meaning i like to be the life of the party, laughing and having fun, always the lover not the fighter, diva, hot momma, and dancing queen. LOL well at least that's how i see myself. but in the bedroom its different. and i think everyone is like this. ya know, when you are all by yourself, standing in front of your mirror or going through the closet you can really beat yourself up over everything you see and feel. I know i do and still do! like how I'm shaped, I'm short, my acne, my scars from acne, stupid boobs, hair isn't strait (always frizzy), big nose, big butt, feet not small enough, where are my knees and elbows?, why are my ankles always swollen?, and i have a dumb hump thing on my back (lol ) no really i do. Ive had days and days of going through the closet and nothing fits right or feels comfy. and if i find something that does they deff do not match or look presentable! I think everyone does this. Criticizes themselves once in a while. these are thoughts I've had...not everyday, i don't dwell on them.

But ill tell ya what. those thoughts and feelings are not what helped my decision to have gastric bypass...... I had lost 35 pounds on weight watchers before Jason left for his last deployment. and the 2 months before he left...we went off WW and ate strictly "morale food" lol silly i know. like pizza, burgers, candy, cakes, pizza, burritos, processed food galore, pizza and more pizza!!! when he left. it was much easier to just go through a drive thru/sit down place with me and Logan rather than cooking at home. if i did cook at home it was premade, processed, frozen, oh! or ramen noodles. so not only did i gain back the 35 pounds but i gained more! by the time Jason came home i was at the biggest i have ever been almost 310. Jason never said anything. He has always told me i am beautiful or i look nice and whatnot. Jason has never made me feel ugly or unwanted. So it didn't have to do with not feeling good enough for my husband, or myself. It was Logan. i couldn't play very well with him. usually just sat on the couch and played from there. didn't get outside. i would wait till Jason came home so he would take him to the park. He would want to go swimming and i would go with friends so their kids could play with Logan. A sad time for me was when we were at silver dollar city. Logan went on alot of kiddie rides with Rae, jay and Clara. but not me because i couldn't fit in the rides. He always asks to go on the go karts, and i would always have to say "someday you can go with Rae jean and uncle jay" because i simply couldn't fit. its embarrassing and fills you with shame to not be able to be involved with your lil boy. After these events started tuggin at my heart i started noticing how my life is changing with the weight. how i get dressed, take a bath, go to the bathroom...etc. Just rolling over in bed or getting off the couch involved a big heave and ho! I only would wear about 4 shirts because that is all that fit. i looked in the mirror and lost myself as a woman. seriously i felt... not manly...but not womanly. idk. it just would wear me out walking to the mail box, getting in and out of my car, and cleaning my house. By this time i had already started the process of Gastric bypass and thought oh well I'm having the surgery so whatever...and kept on living like i was. We took Logan on the polar express last Dec. (2009) when the pictures got back i couldn't believe what i looked like. i mean...i felt like that, but didn't realize i looked like that.

i started walking then. changed Doctors and got serious about the surgery. Super bowl Sunday i weighed 297....(coming down from 310)started my 2week pre diet of low carb, high protein. I have been reading, studying, chatting, writing, and watching videos all about the surgery and with people that are going through it. A lot of my questions were answered and didn't have too many fears going into the whole thing. Of course i was afraid of death. My doctor said with my age and health my chances were 1 in 500. So i took the chance. The morning of the surgery i started freaking out about God. I was afraid that god would be upset that i am rearranging my body the way he made it. Jason prayed with me before i went into surgery. there wasn't a day go by that i didn't pray for healing, comfort, strength, and courage. I was afraid that i would loose myself when the weight comes off. Who am I if I'm not the fat girl? that really freaked me out when i would think about it.

In my support group they say your family and friends relate themselves of who they are through you being fat. and when you loose the weight alot of time other people struggle with it too. I suppose i can agree. As much as my family and friends support me with the decision and go ahead of the surgery, a few comments have really stuck with me. Ive heard things like....(on having the surgery) "you're just lazy" "don't let it go to your head" "don't talk about it with ppl, its just bragging" "don't loose too much, you'll look too small" (as a size 14 mind you) "you think your better now or what?" and (after someone eating too much) "oh now I need gastric bypass!" But whatever i guess. i think THEY will need a support group for me losing weight! HA HA.

Now in my 4th month after surgery. I feel like myself again. I am the same as when i graduated high school. which still isn't much to brag about since I'm still 227! But i can exercise better, play with Logan, move smoother, and wear more clothes! i still struggle everyday on my eating.....( ill have to blog about that some other day) But its a journey and I'm in it all or nothing. Its not the easy way out. Its not easy. Its hard and complicated. I am on an emotional roller coaster about my diet, my body, and my life. Can i say it is the best thing i did for my life? NO. I'm deff not ready to say that. But it isn't the worst thing either.

here is a quote i heard that really hit home for me.....

Reality check: you can never ever use weight lose to solve problem that are not related to your weight. at your goal weight or not.you still have to live with yourself and live with your problems. you will still have the same husband, the same job, the same kids, and the same life. Losing weight is not a cure for life. -Dr Phil.

this surgery is not a fix all in my life. It is a challenge and a tool for me to work with. I am always wanting to better myself as a woman, wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, etc. I have high hopes for myself and my family. My surgery is just a stepping stone in my walk of life. :)